Isaiah 43:19 – Behold, I am doing a new thing; now it springs forth, do you not perceive it?  I will make a way in the wilderness and rivers in the desert.

Change.

Whether we choose it or it chooses us, it can be difficult.  Uncomfortable.  Painful.  As that drill in the wood, it can leave a hole or a wound and can scatter bits of us around like so much dust.

I also believe change can inspire.  Induce growth.  And introduce much beauty.  As that drill in the wood, it can spread a new pattern of loveliness in our life.  (Looking at that sawdust reminded me of the beautiful, intricate details of a snowflake.)

Sometimes, though, there is a long period of time between the pain and the beauty.  Or at least our ability to see the beauty.

(And let’s face it.  Some change just feels too raw to ever be beautiful.  From my human perspective, the redemptive quality seems severely lacking.  Thankfully, God’s in the redeeming business, so I can entrust those sorts of changes to Him.  Easier said than done, by the way.)

It’s not so much that we’re afraid of change or so in love with the old ways, but it’s that place in between that we fear… it’s like being between trapezes.  It’s Linus when his blanket is in the dryer.  There’s nothing to hold on to.  ~Marilyn Ferguson

I think one of the most difficult things about change is the fear of the unknown…the loss of the familiar and the resulting ungainly adjustments.  The lack of certainty or sureness.  And any residual pain that tends to throb at inopportune moments.

Man’s yesterday may ne’er be like his morrow; Nought may endure but Mutability. ~Percy Bysshe Shelley

Tomorrow.

Tomorrow begins a new phase in our family’s life.  The phase where we have family living near-by.  Grandparents.  Within walking distance!  It’s difficult to imagine.  In order for this to happen, a heart-wrenching departure from their life and family in Alaska must take place.  Ouch.  I can’t really imagine the depths of that change.

We are on the welcome-to-Oregon end.  And we are quite excited.  However, we have never lived near family.  I wonder a lot…will we be good at it?  Or will they wish they hadn’t come to be near us?  I feel blessed to have a very good relationship with my in-laws.  I would like it to stay that way!  What adjustments will be easy and what will be hard?  Even though we are certainly looking forward to this change, I do wonder about all those unknowns we will encounter.  I believe the good will outweigh the difficult.

Continuity gives us roots; change gives us branches, letting us stretch and grow and reach new heights.  ~Pauline R. Kezer

Know Myself.  I’ve gotta be honest.  My blog title came from my husband, as a play on the more familiar “know thyself.”  I’ve been a bit uncomfortable with it, actually.  At first glance, it looks a bit…well…self-centered.  It sounds imperative, as if I’m telling the reader to “know me!”  It is nice to be known, but I don’t want to be bossy about it!  When I consider that I blog as a way to record bits and pieces of myself (and the extensions of myself…my family), as a way to gather some of the scattered building blocks of who I am, as a way to get to know myself…then the title becomes appropriate.  The imperative is more of a description of the process for me (getting to know myself), and more of an invitation to anyone else who comes along (care to know me?  well, here’s a bit).

The last few years have felt like a dismantling of what I thought to be true about my life.  Challenges and losses and changes have made me feel like a skier, careening down a mountain and finally crashing, ski gear strewn about as far as you can see.  And I’ve been stuck.  Stuck in the snow as others zoom by.  I’ve been hurt and helpless.  Unable to get up and gather myself.  And so I’ve burrowed deeper into the snow, hoping no one would notice my mess.  And you now what?  It’s cold!  And at times I’ve felt numb.  And I’ve even forgotten some of what I started down the mountain with.  Which pieces are actually mine?

Perhaps it’s the fact that spring is around the corner.  Perhaps God has been mending me, despite me fighting Him for that role.  Perhaps it’s just time.  Time for a melt.  And rejuvination.  And discovery.  Time to get down to the hard work of gathering my strewn about pieces and allowing God to build a new me.  Time to really get to…know myself.

Yesterday, I took Ethan to the dentist.  His first time to the dentist was at age 4, I believe.  He just came to our dentist and checked things out and had a fine time.  The second time we took him, he actually got his little teeth cleaned, and he was terrific.  No problem.  The third time, they decided to try some x-rays, to see how those permanent teeth were faring under the surface.  You know those stiff, platicky films you have to bite down on, and they kinda poke you for a few seconds?  Well, they tried to use those films (that feel like they barely fit in my mouth) in his little 5 year old mouth.  I’m sure it was uncomfortable, and his tongue had a mind of its own and kept popping that thing out of place.  The hygienist tried her best, but all of Ethan’s good feelings about going to the dentist disappeared into a fit of tears and frustration.  That was about 1 1/2 years ago.  Yes, I’ve avoided trying to take him to the dentist again, in part because of that experience.

Yesterday, we marched into a pediatric dentist’s office.  We had talked about how this place was made for kids and their tools and techniques would be tailored just for him.  He seemed slightly anxious, but I really thought he was going to be fine.  He got situated in the big chair, with a soft, stuffed doggy tucked under his knees to make him more comfortable.  Molly, the hygienist, did a great job explaining everything that would happen.  He still expressed some worry, but really seemed to be holding it together very well.  I was cautiously relieved.  Until it was time for the x-rays to actually begin.

First, Molly had him bite down on a film holder, which makes it a bit easier for kids to hold the film in the right place.  That was successful, so she took that out to add the film…and everything that Ethan had been holding back came out in a rush of tears and frustration and anxiety, once again.  I was standing in my spot well behind the chair (for the x-rays), and I knew that Molly wanted to try and help him work through this so he would trust her.  I also knew that there was probably nothing I could say that would make it better for him.  We have been through this sort of situation more than I care to admit or remember.  This has been such a difficult part of parenting for me…when all of Ethan’s rationale is gone and no amount of logic or patience or threats or bribes amount to anything, except my own blood pressure going up.  So, I prayed and hoped, while Molly attempted to firmly work through it with Ethan.

I admired her resolve, but she finally asked me to come and talk with him.  She stepped out for a few minutes while I firmly tried to calm him down and encourage him.  I think these sorts of situations are so frustrating for me, because I feel like such a lousy parent!  A failure, really.  The fact that he has worked himself into such a state of irrationality seems like it must reflect poorly on my parenting techniques.  And the fact that I’m unable to bring him back around to sensible thoughts and actions with magic mommy words leaves me feeling lost.  In addition, I think I’m afraid of being judged by other parents/adults.  I judge myself, and I admit that I often catch myself passing judgment on other parents when their kids have behavior that seems uncontrollable.  But, I’ve been learning more and more that Ethan is his own person, not merely an extension of myself and my husband.  Trying to control his emotions in order for me to feel good about myself or to look good in front of other parents are poor motivations at best.  The idea of being a container for my child’s emotions and feelings, so that he can express himself in a healthy and safe place, is one that I’m trying to embrace more.  Not to encourage more irrational tears and fears, but to hopefully provide an avenue of safe and efficient communication, fewer complete meltdowns and respect for himself and others.

Needless to say, my pep talk did no good.  He remained in a fragile state.  Molly came back and asked what my comfort level was in her pushing him a bit more.  I told her that she was welcome to try as hard as she liked.  She suggested we try the panoramic x-ray, where you have to stand up and let a camera go all the way around your head.  He got totally situated, and right before she actually began, he lost it again.  Molly suggested I go back to the waiting room and let her try to work with him completely alone.  That was fine with me, but of course Ethan was not keen on that idea.  We were both firm and held our ground, and I escaped back to the waiting room, mouthing “I’m so sorry” over Ethan’s head as I turned to go.  She assured me that it was not a problem and that this was part of her job.  I was glad to be working with someone who sounded as stubborn as me!

I glanced through the pages of a magazine, barely able to focus on what was printed.  I half-expected Molly to appear behind the glass door with a look of defeat on her face.  But, the clock kept ticking, and then I tried to determine if a long time passing meant good things or bad.  When she finally did appear, it was with a smile and a thumbs-up sign.  I was so relieved!  She said that they finally managed to get all the x-rays done, and when one film didn’t turn out and they had to do it again, it was not a problem at all, as he admitted, “That was easy!”  Thank you, Lord!

The look on his face when he came out was priceless.  He had conquered something, worked it out, slayed the dragon.  The dentist came out too (a beautiful lady who appears too young to be a dentist and pregnant with her fourth child!).  He had no cavities and she said that his growth and development looked perfect.  And because of that, he wouldn’t need films taken again until he was 8.  Yippee!

I was so thankful that Molly hadn’t given up.  What should have been a 35 minute appointment turned into 1 1/2 hours, but we all left feeling like winners.  Molly said that challenges only make them better at their jobs.  A little voice inside was nagging that it was too bad my child had to be the challenge for them that day, and it was too bad that success only came after I was completely out of the room…what does that say about my presence in his life?  But, I let that go and rejoiced that feelings of panic and anger had not taken me over.  Even though I was frustrated that Ethan was making the situation so much more difficult than necessary, I was able to detach myself from it in a good way.  Again…Thank you, Lord!  And Ethan…I hope he can look back at this experience to help him with future challenges.  I hope he can remember the connection between what happened at the dentist’s office and his Awana verse, Joshua 1:9 – “…Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.”

I told Ethan that I was proud of him for working through his fear and doing something he found very difficult.  I also told him I would take him out to lunch and he could choose the place.  I was kinda surprised, but he chose Romano’s Macaroni Grill.  We had a good afternoon. 

I’m feeling a bit swamped.  September has brought on subtle fall weather, which I love.  It’s also brought on soccer games, swimming lessons, Awana and a more regular daily routine of readin’, writin’ and ‘rithmetic.  A great office declutter became a week-long event this month, which has resulted in a much more functional work space for me (before and after pics to come later).  An upgrade in photo editing software has led to an on-line class…homework time!  I am so far behind in my Bible study homework it’s embarrassing, and now I’ve signed on for more homework.  (However, I am grateful for the opportunity to learn and become more efficient.)  Strains from the last year of family crisis continue to beg for attention and continue to be arduous and rocky.

There have been things I’ve wanted to share here, but my brain keeps getting caught up in an all-or-nothing tug o’ war.  Some days I’m convinced I have nothing to share, nothing to contribute, nothing to offer…anywhere.  Some days I remember that being me doesn’t mean being what I think others are looking for.  I don’t have to express myself in complete, finished volumes…I am made up of bits and pieces…words gathered into prose and poetry, slowly compiled over time.  That seems so obvious, yet I struggle with presenting myself as unfinished and not having arrived.  “If I can just get these things done…if I can just accomplish these goals…if I can just wrangle myself into an easily maintainable state that doesn’t need constant work…then I can share, contribute, offer.”  My personal tome has torn pages that are out of order and bent and stained with life’s messes.  (Shocking, I know!)  Some days, I just want to stay on the shelf, hidden between the seemingly more attractive and put-together stories all around me.

Of course, I realize our world is much more like a used book store than a shiny, new Barnes and Noble.  We’ve all been dropped and creased and have faded, to varying degrees.  I don’t really want to stand out from the crowd because my spine still has sparkly gold leaf and my edges are still sharp.  I do want to be useful, pithy, inviting, comforting, worn in a soul-filling way…carrying the marks of a book that spends more time off the shelf, than standing carefully on the shelf.

And so, especially during this time of feeling swamped, I must venture nearer to the edge of my safe little shelf, and be available, willing, open…to His sorting, culling, filling and changing.

trip to Washington, part 1

trip to Washington, part 2

July 25, 2008

Our friends, the Iversons, had ended up with a room at our hotel, so we met in the lobby in the morning and walked down to Pike Place Market to find some breakfast.  On the way, we passed by this colorful vendor again, and this time, a man with a bright green shirt and red hair was working there.  He looked so coordinated and colorful, standing amongst all the chilies and peppers, that I couldn’t resist clicking a few shots in his direction.  He looked right at me at one point and I hoped he wasn’t bothered by my paparazzism.  I said, “I’m sorry, but your shirt just looks so great with all the peppers.”  He motioned that he wasn’t bothered at all, and said something like, “You’ve gotta live with the art, right?”  Indeed!

We found our way back to Crepe de France, unable to resist the call of light, thin pancakes stuffed with all varieties of deliciousness.  This place has about 10 little tables, great service and a terrific window, just begging for some pictures to be taken near it.  I obliged by grabbing this shot of our friends.  Would you ever guess they have six children?

After a stroll by some of the incredible flower vendors…

…it was back to the car at the hotel so we could drive Mike and Jenn to their pier for their Alaskan cruise!  Maybe that’s why they’re looking so young and fresh…they were fixin’ to board a big boat…sans kiddos!    (Since we met them in Texas, it’s only fittin’ I throw in some southern soundin’ verbage.)

Once we saw them off, we became tourists again and enjoyed the aquarium.

After grabbing some lunch, we boarded our own boat for a one-hour cruise around Elliott Bay.  This was an enjoyable way to see Seattle’s waterfront and learn more about the city from the knowledgeable tour guide.

Space Needle and Olympic Sculpture Park

A bit of wildlife…a bald eagle on some containers which were on a barge we cruised by.  This was about as close as I could get, not having one of those huge ginormous lenses…I have a medium ginormous lens.  Anyway, I liked the shapes and colors provided by the containers.

The building in the center with the green dome is fondly known as R2D2.  Ethan thinks that’s terrific!

By the time we made it back to our car, it was about 3:30 and time to head home.  What we failed to consider was that leaving Seattle at 3:30 on a Friday afternoon meant major traffic headaches!  It took us 2 hours to go the 60 miles to Olympia.  We often considered pulling off and finding something to do to just wait it out, but that may have proven more frustrating, as we’re just not familiar enough with the area.  Once passed Olympia, things picked up before we stopped for dinner in Centralia.  We went into a restaurant called Country Cousins which reminded us a bit of Pea Soup Andersen’s in California…they are both quaint with a meat-and-potatoes menu and a little gift shop.  We opted for soup and salad and came across a combination we’ve never seen before.  Our salads came with julienned beets on top (love beets!) and instead of croutons, they had goldfish crackers! 

We finally made it home at 8:45…without that traffic it would have been 7:30, even with a dinner stop.   Next time, we’ll know better!  But that little blip of a glitch didn’t cast any sort of shadow on our short and sweet trip.  We had great weather and just the best time reconnecting with old friends.  It did my heart and soul much good.  Thank you to the Iversons’ friends, who got them to go on that cruise, giving us all an excuse to meet up in the Emerald City!

trip to Washington, part 1

July 24, 2008

We all rendezvoused at a teriyaki joint in Lake Stevens, after we managed to get out of town after the baseball game.  (Wow…that was some fierce traffic!)  We picked up food and continued down the road to Granite Falls and our friends’ beautiful property.  It was a splendid drive, escaping the sounds of the city for the serenity of the country.  When you’re in a city as large as Seattle, it seems you could drive on narrow one-way streets and then twisted patterns of freeways and overpasses forever.  But suddenly, we had found ourselves in the land of winding, two-lane roads and the skyscrapers had been replaced with towering trees.

After a late night of visiting and catching up, we began to get ready to hit the hay.  Our friends have a fifth-wheel trailer, and when we informed Ethan we would get to sleep in the trailer, he was concerned.

“Is it outside?” he asked.

“Yes.”

“Does it have a lid?”

“Uh…do you mean a roof?  Yes, it has a roof.” 

Once we got situated, he thought the trailer was just the coolest thing ever and figured we should get one, park it next to the house and sleep in it whenever we wanted to “pretend to go camping.”  (He revealed the next day that he initially thought we were going to sleep in the back of their big pick-up!)

The next morning, we were treated to clearing skies and the view that brought our friends to this location to begin with.  This is their yard and the road is their driveway.  The mountain is Mt. Pilchuck.

Looking towards their house from the driveway.

After a leisurely morning, where Ethan thoroughly enjoyed playing with the Knighton kids and visiting with their dogs, cats, rabbits, gerbils and a frog (and hearing about a black bear that was seen on the property about a week prior), we all went to visit the falls for which Granite Falls is named.

These aren’t the falls…just tall cliffs with trees growing out of them!

Here are the falls!

Boy heaven…rocks to climb on and to throw into the water.

Then it was Subway for lunch and back to the house for more visiting and playing.

Water guns…

Water slide…

Basketball and hopscotch…

We felt so welcomed by the Knightons and so appreciated our time with their family.  Their kids are fantastic and I wish we lived closer so that we could watch them grow up and not be so shocked at how big they are the next time we see them!  Their oldest (in the white T-shirt above) is 11 (yes, he’s tall) and was not keen on me grabbing a picture of him (someday, I’ll get you!), but I wanted to share these sweet shots of the others.

We finally tore ourselves away at 6pm and headed back to the hustle and bustle of the city.  This time we had hotel reservations!  Once we got settled, we walked down to Pike Place Market in search of dinner.  It was late evening and the light and views were gorgeous.  I didn’t have the best luck capturing this scene, but the fleet of sail boats in Elliott Bay with the Olympic mountains outlined in the background was a wonderful sight.

Looking up from Pike Place Market.

It was so strange to see the market place so quiet and still, knowing it had hosted a throng of people that morning and would again the next morning.

At this point, we weren’t finding much open, so we continued walking to a place that we knew was open for dinner…The Cheesecake Factory.

We finished our evening by walking back to the hotel (our room was small but clean and comfortable – yay!) and making plans to meet the Iversons for breakfast in the morning.  It was pretty much a perfect day…time with good friends in the beautiful outdoors, time with family without the stress of finding accommodations for the night, time to walk and enjoy interesting and wonderful sights.

Part 3 to come…

I don’t believe I’m a very good multi-tasker.  A good tasker…yes.  An organized tasker?  Most of the time.  But multi-tasker?  Not so much.  I work well off lists as I love crossing something off as done! And I usually prefer to do one thing at a time, rather than do bits and pieces until a few things get done.  The song that declares…

I can wash out 44 pairs of socks and have ‘em hangin out on the line
I can starch & iron 2 dozens shirts ‘fore you can count from 1 to 9
I can scoop up a great big dipper full of lard from the drippins can
Throw it in the skillet, go out & do my shopping, be back before it melts in the pan
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again

I can rub & scrub this old house til it’s shinin like a dime
Feed the baby, grease the car, & powder my face at the same time
Get all dressed up, go out and swing til 4 a.m. and then
Lay down at 5, jump up at 6, and start all over again
‘Cause I’m a woman! W-O-M-A-N, I’ll say it again

I’m a Woman, by Jerry Leiber and Mike Stoller

…always leaves me feeling like an ingredient must have been missing when the batch for Elaine was mixed up!!  I know it’s all in fun and it was written in the 1960s when feminism was all the rage.  But seriously, shouldn’t all moms (at least) be given the multi-tasker gene?

Ohhh…you mean if we didn’t get that, it’s an opportunity for character growth?  Hmmm…

For the past few weeks, I’ve been trying to implement a bit of basic multi-tasking into our day.  We have three areas to focus on:

• take care of our home (laundry, cleaning chores, dishes, etc…)
• take care of school (doing reading lessons this summer)
• take care of ourselves (floss and brush our teeth, exercise, play)

…not necessarily in that order.

There are so many things that can fit into those categories, and there are so many things I want to add in.  So, we’re starting small and trying to add more in reasonable, flexible bites.  In some ways, it’s been very satisfying, and in some ways, rather frustrating, as some things that I’d rather do don’t make the first cut.  Hopefully, efficiency and routine will grow and we’ll be able to add more…important, fun, generous activities.

Character building 101.  Anyone else enrolled?  Bueller?  Bueller?

Ethan’s been getting great exercise lately (falls under take-care-of-ourselves).  Today he finishes his third (and final) week of swimming lessons for the summer.  As I watch him, I am just so impressed with his ability (as are his teachers, said the proud mama).  He hasn’t managed a real dive yet, but it’s pretty fun watching him do the butterfly!    He took lessons twice a week all last school year and the lessons this summer were meant to keep his momentum rolling.  We’ll go back to homeschool swim again this school year.  This morning, we learned whom his soccer coach will be and when that all begins.  That’s a new one for us.  But it was sweet to learn that his coach is a homeschooling mom that we are acquainted with, and Ethan will know two of the kids on the team before we begin.  That felt like confirmation that soccer was a good choice for us this season.  I plan to be efficient and get my exercise at his games, running around as the crazy-lady-with-a-camera that I am.    In preparation for soccer, today we bought shoes, socks and shin gaurds.  I’ll sign off with the cleats.